Council plugs $7M budget hole by downsizing

Sinatra photo credit: Hoboken Historical Museum

HOBOKEN:  Facing an imminent $7M budget shortfall, last night the Hoboken City Council solved its pending crisis by downsizing former Councilman Peter Cunningham's Key to the City. 

By Hoboken's Key to the City standards, Cunningham's key is notably tiny. 

It wasn't always that way. Back on October 30, 1947, Hoboken Mayor Fred Sapio awarded Hoboken-born international superstar Frank Sinatra a 48-inch Key to the City.  On that day, hundreds crowded in the streets outside of Hoboken City Hall to view this historic event. A witness to the ceremony contacted by Ouija board told GA, "That was a big f*ckin key!"

In fact, photographs show Frank Sinatra's wooden Key to the City was so large, it was held aloft by three people: Frank Sinatra, his mother Dolly Sinatra and Hoboken Mayor DeSapio. The engraving read: "From the Hearts of the Citizens of the City of Hoboken, N.J. "Sinatra Day" Oct. 30, 1947."

2020 BUDGET CRISIS SOLVED WITH 10-INCH KEY

Faced with Draconian budget cuts to plug a $7M hole, Hoboken Council President Jen Giattino and 2nd Ward Councilwoman Tiffanie Fisher decided to give their pal, 3-term Councilman Peter Cunningham, a Key to the City. 

"It's a very small key," said Giattino. 

"We did a cost analysis," added Fisher, "and saved the City $7M by downsizing Peter's key and ordering 5 dozen to give out to more people we like." 

"Cheaper by the dozen!" Giattino chimed in. 

Hoboken City Clerk Jimmy Farina confirmed that a closet at City Hall was filled with "a bunch of them keys."  

How many?  "A lot," said Farina, "but not real ones like Frank got. These are for council buddies."

IGNORING CRITICS

Some members of the public objected to two politicians awarding a political ally with a Key to the City, an honor usually reserved for war heroes, astronauts, sports stars, and celebrities- an honor never given to a former mayor, much less Presidents Reagan or Obama when they dropped by the Mile Square.  Nor have any other Hoboken multi-term council members received Keys to the City.  

"How can anyone complain," Giattino replied, "when we've solved Hoboken's $7M budget hole by buying really small Keys to the City in bulk?"

Vice President Joe Biden with Hoboken treasure, "Benny" Drishti. Biden dropped in for a slice after Hurricane Sandy.  No Key for Joe, either!