HOBOKEN N.J.- In a stunning display of clout, Hoboken Councilman Tim Occhipinti has borrowed a 3.4 billion-dollar large aperture telescope from NASA, to be mounted on the rooftop of The Dubliner bar-restaurant at First and River Streets today.
The telescope's images can trace billions of remote galaxies, providing multiple probes of the mysterious dark matter and dark energy and capture tonight's Mumford and Sons concert at Pier A.
"I believe I will be able to hear the concert from the rooftop patio, but I was concerned that I couldn't see it. You know, all the trees and stuff." Occhipinti said.
"I'd requested use of the Space Shuttle for my date and I to hover above the stage but NASA told me some junk, I forgot."
A NASA spokesman said the Space Shuttle could not be provided for the Hoboken Councilman's use because Shuttles Endeavor and Altlantis were being prepared for retirement and the others were in deep space and unavailable for the Mumford and Sons concert.
"We are sorry that we could not offer Councilman Occhipinti a spacecraft but hope our giant, state-of-the-art telescope will aid in his avoidance of the $50 dollar ticket fee."
Occhipinti seemed to be satisfied with NASA's offer.
"Wow. Maybe they'll let me borrow it for Yankee games. Do you think I could see Soldier Field with it?"
Soldier Field is the home stadium of the NFL's Chicago Bears. It is located in Chicago, Illinois.
NASA responded, "Our telescope is uniquely capable of attacking some of the greatest mysteries in astronomy and physics. It can study near-Earth asteroids, or the outer solar system, or how our galaxy was formed, or the nature of energetic explosions in the universe, or the mysterious dark matter and dark energy. With its 3200 Megapixel camera, supercomputer, and giant data processing, analysis, and distribution system, our telescope can produce an entirely new view of our universe enabling unforeseen explorations of discovery. So yes, we are convinced that Councilman Occhipinti will be able to watch Chicago Bears home games for free from any Hoboken rooftop."
"Great!" said Occhipinti when told of NASA's response.
Critics of Councilman Occhipinti call him a "cheapskate" and a "tightwad" because he is alleged to attend fundraisers for photo-ops and balk when asked for a donation.
A source said, "Occhipinti never gives any money. He shows up at fundraisers, gets his picture taken but doesn't give a dime. When you ask for a donation, he's always got some excuse. That guy pinches pennies so tight, President Lincoln screams."
Occhipinti was unavailable for comment. His spokesman said he was busy cutting out coupons for Dunkin Donuts.
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