Prison Pets

GA's Twitter-exchange with reader plywood this morning got me thinking.  We were discussing  what kind of pet we'd want if we were incarcerated.

Have you ever thought about that?

Because were you thrown in jail (assuming you'd broken the law and justice was served)  you'd leave your loved ones behind for a suite of concrete with iron bars.  And that includes your special furry companion.

Here's mine:

Pearl the cat

Boy, would I miss my cat if I were sent off to prison.  What about you?

Do you have a dog or cat you'd miss if you got thrown in jail?

The problem is you can't bring him or her with you. But... that doesn't preclude you from owning a pet from inside your concrete 6 x 8 foot cell.  Because your new home is full of potential new companions to replace the one you left behind.

That's what plywood and I Twittered about today.

So I ask you Reader, what pet would YOU choose in prison?

Here are your choices:

1- Cockroach

Pros and cons: while roaches make fine pets, it's difficult to control their population. The rule of thumb is for every one you see there are 20,000 you don't. Which makes it harder to form emotional attachments when your affection is divided 20,000 ways.   If that sounds daunting, go with another prison pet.

2- Mouse

Pros and cons: while mice are soft to the touch, cute, and are intelligent enough to run a maze they require regular feeding: cheese, bread, lettuce.  And sneaking food from the mess hall could land you in the Hole for 24- 72 hours, depending on the rules at your facility.  If that is discouraging, then go with another prison pet.

3- Tick

Pros and cons: while ticks are loyal pets- they'll burrow under your skin and feed on you for years, others will drop off after engorging themselves.  So, if you don't like a pet that 'feeds and runs' you may wish to consider a different one.

4-Bird

Pros and cons: who doesn't like a pet bird? They make charming companions. And coo softly. Provided you can get one in your cell and are allowed to keep it, GA doesn't see any cons with this prison pet.

5- Lice

Pros and cons: to be honest, GA doesn't see any pros about owning this pet. It's included because they  are unavoidable in large prison populations, so inevitably you will end up owning one.  Probably hundreds.  But they are loyal companions-  extremely hard to get rid of.  For that, you should be thankful.

6- Rat

Pros and cons: similar to the mouse except larger, with sharper teeth and beadier eyes, this pet will require regular feeding. More intelligent than the mouse (have you ever seen one squashed on the NYC subway tracks?) they are friendly and social.  And respond to the human voice.  Not a bad choice if deadly disease transmission through rat saliva doesn't trouble you.

7- Weevils

Pros and cons: again, no pros here.  But weevils are unavoidable in prison food.  So learning to appreciate your weevils and perhaps adopting them as companions is recommended.

8- Friend

Pros and cons: well, this one is obviously NOT a pet, but you may become his pet.  I suppose it depends upon chemistry.  If you find yourself in this situation, use your best judgment- GA can offer no advice on this prison-pet scenario.  My best suggestion is if you do not wish to be anyone's pet, then do not break the law. 

So dear Readers, what do you think?

Which one would you choose in place of that beloved dog or cat left behind  while you pay for your criminal behavior in a tiny concrete cell?

I'd go with the bird.