We hope this communication finds you in reasonably good health and continuing poor judgment.
It has been a year of explosive growth for us at the Reached-For-Comment News Service, both in terms of debts and resentments. And with your continued unthinking support, we believe we can accomplish more of the same in 2011 or whatever year you’re reading this.
You know, it was Abraham Lincoln who once said, “Say, that Griswell is a genius. Let’s give him all our money right away.” Historians tell us Honest Abe gave his life for just that belief on the very first Presidents Day in the 17- or 1800s. And now it’s your turn.
You see, for some time we have been trying to set a time-table to announce our IPO. We knew we needed a major political event to showcase our unique contribution to the many oozing sacks of media that have formed around the inflamed toe that is our city’s governing body. Selecting the right event was our quandary.
On a conference call from prison, our investment banker suggested the SOTU as the right place to plunge our lance as it were. True, the inaugural SOTU has the imprimatur of general municipal and even historical interest. But we at RFC have never been slaves to the city’s published calendar, preferring instead events that tell the real story of Hoboken; events which reveal the seamy underbelly of a town that should have a seamy underbelly on its municipal flag and official stationery; events for which RFC alone is able to provide access because the other news outlets just don’t have the resources, chutzpah, or both to “go there”.
I’m of course referring to events which we make up, usually after 4 or 5 highballs, i.e., lunch. And we just don’t have high hopes for the Mayor’s dreary little speech about our dreary little budget, and our dreary little infrastructure, and our dreary little open space issues, and campaign finance, and the year ahead, and shoot me please, I’m on my knees begging. Begging.
Suffice it to say reality is not our sweet spot.
And, like our cross-town rivals over at the incomparable H411, our readers count on us to shield them from facts, research, thoughtful analysis, source verification, in-person interviews, and the myriad other fetishes that have pretty much brought print media to the brink of extinction. And most of the time we deliver on that promise. If we don’t, 411, the Microsoft of fake news, will crush us. They have the brand, the staggeringly clueless readership, and the tireless devotion to just make it up every effing day that we can only gaze upon with envy, awe, and wonder. Like everyone says - if it didn't happen in Hoboken, H411 is all over it.
Which hasn’t made getting an IPO any easier for RFC. Investors demand to know where our NJDC is; where is our imaginary vendor procurement crisis; where is our fantasia in which Zimmer secretly knew the waterfront was collapsing years ago? The short answer is we just can’t keep up with those H411 guys. But if we said that, our IPO would have as much chance as a joke in an Occhipinti speech.
And then…magically… it happened.
The miracle we were hoping for. Instant credibility, the kind we would have done almost anything for short of work. Have a gander at the graphic below, hapless subscriber.
See that little text box: You have been blocked from following this account at the request of this user. You read that right – RFC has been blocked from following Councilwoman Castellano. I am so in love with this woman right now I can’t even breath right. And check out the list of approved followers!
Hoboken411
@Hoboken411 Hoboken, NJ
Creator of Hoboken411.com
http://hoboken411.com
That’s right: H411. How great is that? Our pitch practically writes itself now.
Want the same-old-same-old safe, stodgy, pin-stripe suit-wearing, CBS News demographic-having, Golden Girls reruns-watching, Ensure-swilling, 4 o’clock supper-eating fake news from the guys that are so safe and harmless that they’re allowed to follow anyone on Twitter? Or do you want the edgy, dark, dangerous fake news of the banned bad boys at RFC? Yeah baby! Why settle for dirt when you can have filth?
Hey, that could be our new slogan.
And so, in closing, dear inexplicably loyal subscriber, once we total up our outstanding bar tabs, parking tickets, and certain other difficult-to-categorize ‘entertainment’ charges, we’ll come to a happy ending on how much we need to raise from our IPO and set a price. And then it will be your chance to own your own piece of the firm the Wall Street Journal will one day call “A deplorable freak show, perfectly suited to the city it covers…like a dense fog.”
Fatuously yours,
Griswell
Feeling nothing but shame, shame for ever attempting to write a sentence on our fair and sinking partial peninsula of a town.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading Griswell's greatness, I'm ready to give up the high volume, low quality output and throw in the towel.
Da Horsey bows in servitude. Name your syndication price Griswell. MSV must have you covering Hoboken like a dense fog.
Either that or I'm taking Little Avenger hostage on a day trip to the Museum of Natural History.
Thank you, Subscriber and Citizen Horse, At RFC we look upon self-promotion with great skepticism, except in cases like this where we are satisfied that it is totally shameless. And then we're ok with it.
ReplyDeleteWe are looking for a suitably dive-y place in which to hold the IPO celebration and so far find that 'the town between the tubes' has too many options of that type. We will narrow the search to places that haven't asked us to leave (as far as we can recall). That should help. Details to follow.... G.