Saturday, March 12, 2016

How to garnish a turkey

Garnishes add color and flavor to ordinary foods: clockwise: pumpkin-leaf, carrot flowers, radish rosette and apple swan
Do you garnish?

Garnishes make your dishes (and cocktails) more attractive and flavorful. For example,  the olive floating in your martini glass is an edible garnish that flavors your drink. Can you imagine a pitcher of sangria without floating garnishes: sliced peaches, pineapple, oranges and apples?  I can't!

GA favors aromatic garnishes: fresh herbs like basil, rosemary, dill, sage, oregano and mint.  These garnishes infuse flavor either when cooked or served fresh.

Did you know that you can garnish a turkey?   It may take up to three years, but you can do it.

Here's how.

First, you need a real turkey.  You can also garnish a pair of turkeys if both are employed.  You must cook both anyway, but the one with the J-O-B gets garnished.

Which aromatic herb?  Garnish: mint.



How to Garnish a Turkey

Step 1:
Set courtroom to room temperature.

Step 2:
Turkeys are cooked when the Head Chef (wearing dark robes) throws out their case.

Step 3:
Wait for the Head Chef's order. Turkeys cannot be garnished without them.

Step 4: 
If the Head Chef's papers say things like "SLAPP suit disguised as a defamation case"  and "approaching a fraud on the court" then you know your turkey is ready for garnishing.

Step 5:
Prepare all procedural requirements then take one more trip to the oven where another Head Chef will approve or deny your recipe.   The turkeys may oppose your recipe, and the Head Chef may adjust the flavoring.  Too much garnish-mint?  Too little?  Head Chef will give you the final recipe, and will give you a date to start.

Step 6: On the start date, take a handful of garnish-mint and shove it up the turkey's ass twice a month.

Step 7:  Enjoy!


18 comments:

  1. enjoy that Garnish!!! Every bite should be delicious after the fraud that was thrown upon you

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  2. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

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  3. zesty! fresh! Does the turkey ever try to run away from the garnish?

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    Replies
    1. Only if it wants to be arrested.

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    2. Right, Anon 3:16. And not just the turkey with the J-O-B but the unemployed turkey, too. Both turkeys will be held in contempt and arrested. Call in the NY Post!

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  4. Hector Torres JunyaMarch 12, 2016 at 1:05 PM

    Does this recipe work the same for wee, very small turkeys?

    My father said if it's a little turkey, when you cram the garnishment up his ass, it can cause a lot of hysterical, angry squealing. Well, especially on female turkeys.

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  5. HA! BTW, good chefs know "turkey" "is a dish best served cold". Karma, baby. Congrats!

    Wonder if anyone on upper Hudson is counterbalancing those garnishes...



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  6. It must have been fun being in the kitchen for Step 5. Betcha it was pretty hot in there for the turkey.

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    Replies
    1. The turkey was a bit camera-shy.

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    2. The press was in the kitchen too?!

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  7. Twinkanatrix BajobseekerMarch 13, 2016 at 8:44 AM

    Something tells me Beth and Ricky are going to have to dream up a paying gig for an ex-CNN producer who is now a full-time resident of an alternate reality.

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  8. Garnish mint will take years. Creditors have other options.

    A judgment collection service will hunt down their assets in every state, in every nook and cranny, handle seizure of property, etc but their commission is large, in the 20% range. The advantage is you don't pay up front and they have all kinds of resources to find hidden assets everywhere they exist and obtain them legally. Judgment collecters aren't bounty hunters, they are legal services, law firms and will take care of enforcement issues (like arrest warrants, etc) if the turkeys are uncooperative.

    Other route is county law enforcement for seizure and auction of debtors personal property. If that doesnt satisfy the judgment the law permits creditors to seize real estate- the turkey coop, if you will.

    Good luck!

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  9. I'm still amazed those two turkeys marched into an oven.

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    Replies
    1. i'm just bummed that the unethical farmers who raised and nurtured the turkeys got off scott free.

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    2. Not so fast, Anon 12:56. Court rules allow creditors to take discovery of debtors to enforce a judgment. This includes subpoenas for bank records. Bank records will show all financial transactions before, during and after the turkey-chase. Depositions can be taken. Source of turkey feed laundered to the turkey farm will be identified and alleged 'loans' the turkeys claimed they received from Mr. and Mrs. Cluck will be verified.

      http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/rules/r6-7.html

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    3. Thanx for the link. According to the rule the hours for seizing personal property are 6am - 10pm. I assume the turkeys arent noticed, the Sherriff just shows up at their coop with a warrant and carts off stuff. Clothing, electronics, appliances, anything of value to auction. I'd guess their goods and chattal won't come close to satisfying their enormous unsatisfied debt. I believe the Sherriff is authorized to bust in if the turkey is not there or denies access. Of course, that would be ill-advised. Have you ever seen a turkey in handcuffs?

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  10. Gobble gobble: http://hudsoncountyview.com/judge-approves-225k-payment-plan-for-hoboken-mans-slapp-suit-legal-fees/

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    Replies
    1. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving couple.

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