Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Diarrhea Blues



In support of the recent Hoboken Reporter article: "Hoboken blogger case dismissed after it fails to cross high threshhold for defamation"  GA is posting the above certification filed by Plaintiff in Bajardi v Pincus.   Included are Plaintiff's claims for "intentional infliction of emotional distress"-  Paragraph 7.

The editor of the Hoboken Reporter was correct; the threshold for defamation is too high for damages like diarrhea, nausea and a debilitating sense of dread.

GA agrees that every American who's caught diarrhea online deserves their day in court and $2,000,000, because one man's gastrointestinal distress is another's Hiroshima.   In fact, GA is thinking of suing the curry I made last night.  So does that mean I owe myself $2,000,000?

Damages: I charge per polyp
No problem!  I'll write me a check!

What if the "threshold of defamation" were lowered as the Hoboken Reporter seems to suggest it should be?  Could our busy courts accommodate a stampede of litigious loose bowels?  

Perhaps a wing could be added to 595 Newark Street called "Montezuma's Annex," equipped with extra bathrooms and mops.  If that doesn't work for the volume of cash-seeking, gastrointestinally-distressed Plaintiffs, perhaps a new courthouse would have to be built: "The Large Intestinal Superior Court of Hudson County."

Makes sense.   Like The Hoboken Reporter, GA feels the "threshold of defamation" is way too high; it excludes crackpots, drama queens and fakes. Yep, everyone deserves their day in court, no matter what the legal costs are to the ones who traumatized your bowels.

Time to pay up.


14 comments:

  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln_crYIBw00&list=RDxkId_c_dVfA&index=4

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  2. Wonder if Mason's minion is feeling a debilitating sense of dread now with the truth of his sludge-fueled lawsuit pumped into Hoboken on an almost daily basis? The stories coming out are better than episodes right out of "House of Cards."

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  3. I'm sorry to hear blog posts gave the anchorman diarrhea. I am sure he will feel vindicated when he pays your legal bills.

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  4. Anyone forward Joe Concha at fox the MSV article with the email from Lane about being superior and effing him over?

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  5. OK, poopypants, let me get this straight: a guy who you thought was your friend later had a lower opinion of you, which caused you to get headaches and sue 12 people for $2 mil. Is that it? OK.

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  6. Proofs of emotional distress claim:
    Exhibit A: skid-marked pair of shorts
    Exhibit B: unopened valentine's card to Phil Cohen marked "return to sender"
    Exhibit C: "I Hate Mondays" t-shirt
    Exhibit D: unopened birthday card to Phil Cohen marked "return to sender"
    Exhibit E: empty tin of Bufferin
    Exhibit F: unopened box of homebaked cookies delivered to Phil Cohen marked "returned to sender"
    Exhibit G: empty jug of Kaopectate
    Exhibit H: life-size cardboard cut out figure of Phil Cohen soaked with tears

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    Replies
    1. classic. omg, if he didn't have a debilitating sense of dread before, he certainly does now.

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  7. Your honor I would like to enter this adult diaper as exhibit.... What number are we on? I wish you guys used those tear-off numbers like at my delicatessen. That would be so easy for everyone. Now serving exhibit 52! See how simple? For now, we'll just go with Diaper 1.

    Members of the jury, examine for yourselves. This diaper is filled to overload with a, um, debilitating sense of dread. You can smell the dread, can't you? I can see from your faces. That's like 2 day old dread. It's pretty potent. I'm not sure this was a good idea now.

    Well, before my client was defamatized by the defendants, this would have been a more pleasant diaper to be around. Your eyes wouldn't even be watering right now. Instead of a debilitating sense of dread, you would be noting a milder potpourri comprised of a debilitating sense of self-importance and a debilitating sense of accomplishment.

    Later, I'll submit diapers from my other clients for your perusal so you can get a complete gastro-intestinal profile of all the people who are paying me so much to learn how to be a lawyer.

    What happens to a councilwoman's diaper when she is so defamitated that she is forced to take on a humanoid rodent as her business partner and then forced to have him hire a truck festooned with swastikas and then forced her to lie about it for years? Well, ladies and gentlemen - you won't have to imagine it. You'll see it and smell it for yourself.

    You'll get a chance to do a side by side comparison like on tv. You'll start with one of her kinder, gentler diapers with that wafting perennial indolence that comes from a debilitating sense of entitlement. And then you'll catch a whiff of this week's vintage, bearing that same stench of dread that has pretty much cleared this court room of all but essential staff.

    You know, ladies and gentlemen, maybe justice isn't blind. Maybe her eyes just hurt really bad from all the dread-encrusted diapers. That's something for us all to think about, isn't it? So I'll just leave you with this thought. I'm parked near here. Did anyone see which lot I was in? Practically no one speaks american around here. Where the hell are we?

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  8. Anchorman? When did the midnight AM RADIO NEWS READER get promoted?
    I hear he poisoned the media food chain for himself and he was shat back down to the bottom! HaHa W-RUNS Radio. You give us hate, we'll give you a belly ache

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  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  10. http://www.radioink.com/UserFeedback.asp?id=160837

    Post your thoughts here. As the failed countess says: "The People have a right to know"

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  11. What kind of hack lawyer would file a certification like that? The court's supposed to care about his Client's diarrhea? Let me guess, the blogs gave him erectile dysfunction, too. Asshole sues 12 people for $2 mil because Zimmertini blog posts make his intestines sad and Phil doesn't like him anymore. Newsflash: Phil NEVER liked him.

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  12. Under his sink is a life time supply of Poopourri

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  13. http://youtu.be/ZKLnhuzh9uY

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